Afternoon Delight

I wanted to talk about the fact that we have cookies in my work's kitchen right now---which are fluorescent in color.

I was also going to mention the fact that if I were to try one of these cookies I may either glow in the dark tonight and/or catch some type of bacterial infection; them being leftovers from a co-worker's house from Easter Sunday (most likely).

Truth be told though, when I tried to find a decent picture that resembled this said cookie, I stumbled upon this:

How this is relative to anything cookie-like can only be answered in the sense that its counterpart covers the Cookies.

Other than that I'm stumped.

Or:

'Cookies in your bra'?

'Giant bra left on top of city bakery'?

'Bra eats man who ate too many cookies'?

'Covering your cookies with your brassiere is the new Spring style'?

'The Marshmallow Man put the Cookie Monster to work at a underwear-making factory in order to restrain his (um) mar-boobs'?

I guess I'll leave it for someone else to figure out.

Bye.

KCD

Crack Dreams

I sometimes question going to bed at night.

When I do settle in, I try to get as much devoted time to my pillows as possible---as long as I don't come home burping beer and questioning my ability of walking up the stairs vs. staggering to the couch.

But truth be told, my dreams are about 95% lucid; the other 5% just being absolutely irrelevant because I don't speak Englispanjapitalianese.

You ask, "What is a Lucid Dream?"

Wikipedia can give you a hell of a definition; possibly originating from my (unbeknown to me) sleep study:

A lucid dream, also known as a conscious dream, is a dream in which the person is aware that he or she is dreaming while the dream is in progress. During lucid dreams, it is possible to exert conscious control over the dream characters and environment, as well as to perform otherwise physically impossible feats. Lucid dreams can be extremely real and vivid depending on a person's level of self-awareness during the lucid dream.[1]

A lucid dream can begin in one of two ways. A dream-initiated lucid dream (DILD) starts as a normal dream, and the dreamer eventually concludes that he or she is dreaming, while a wake-initiated lucid dream (WILD) occurs when the dreamer goes from a normal waking state directly into a dream state with no apparent lapse in consciousness.

First of all, lucid dreaming can blow some serious a-hole.

I find more often that I'll be yelling at my own conscious to "Wake the eff up! I don't like this dream; get me out. I NEED TO START THIS GOSH DARN R.E.M. CYCLE OVER!"

Whew.

But yea, they're not as "fun" as I've described to you.

I have had times wherein I can have major control over the idiot blowing smoke up my ass or the strange co-worker who seems to NEVER shut the hell up until I use mind control to have him quit his job and start selling his body on the street.

Of course though, there are plenty of the latter types in which I lose control of people, places and things and I have to deal with every aspect of them until my body allows me to wake up.

If Freud was still alive, you know I'd be using my prowess to have him psychoanalyze (me) every time I shut my eyes for more than a minute.

As far as my own theories go though, I've come up with a few:

1.) I am constantly around odd people.

2.) I am constantly putting myself in odd situations.

3.) I too often hear things I'd rather have not.

4.) I am extremely incapable of mastering anything beyond being a lucid dreamer.

5.) I think, talk and write WAY too much.

6.) I live my life vicariously through sleep states.

7.) I know Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy are in fact, not real...so I came to find out 2 months ago.

Perhaps it would be better if I NEVER went to sleep because then I wouldn't have a third rant post in a row...

Anywho, picture time:

Yes, I know what you're thinking: The last picture is the most realistic of them all.

You're SO right.

KCD

Road Wars

Yes.

No.

Yes.

Yes, it's my prerogative; my blog---so I'll just ask:

What's up with rabbits and squirrels?

I mean, alright, in reference to their OBVIOUS differences (or not really) I'm more so referring to their deer-in-the-head-lights stupidity.

Navigating a car is hard enough when you live in Masshole-achusetts. But these furry animals put the R that is not in "Massachusetts" but in, "Retarded."

I'm sure we've all seen it.

You've got your possums who will just let you run them over, the birds who fly into your windshield, raccoons who are apparently both night and day blind and would rather get hit by an automobile than go dumpster-diving for their dinners.

Then you've got the rabbits and squirrels.

They don't want to get hit; they try to keep their populations alive. But, honestly, they are so dumb that they can't comprehend the fact that they're already safe from my vehicle yet decide to run back into the road because...I don't know, vertigo?

They're constantly marking the roads with their masticated bodies as is that they can't take a hint from Mr. Peter Rabbit or Mrs. Susie Squirrel?

I just don't get it; you've got two more feet of asphalt: HAUL ASS!

Don't run back into the road, towards my car and have me either a.) swerve or b.) find your insides still crusted to that tracts of my tires 12 days later.

Take a crash course in running---I know you're fast. You've got some energy reserves in those little thigh muscles of yours.

So, Peter, Susie, get out of my way! Next time (in lieu of this morning) I'm going to make it a habit to run amok on all the side trails and back roads I can find in order to teach you all a lesson.

KCD

The Cabbage Patch and Doggie Style

Oh baby, have some sensory overload today.

I know I'm going to.

And then possibly this:

(I celebrated pretty hard yesterday).

I'm channeling Fido relative to how I've felt today.

1.) MMM

2.) Woof!

3.) Happy St. Patrick's Day!

KCD

Muzzled

Sorry, A, I'm going to have to let you down today and blog about something pretty inconsequential.

You probably want to stop reading now.

I don't want to get anymore (ferocious, grrr) emails in which I reply by sending you back pictures of the lack of felines on the streets of Hong Kong.

First off, a question:

Is there a maximum daily intake for carrots?

If I can see in the dark tonight and look like an Oompa Loompa tomorrow I think I'll be satisfied without a second opinion.

Secondly, a story:

Alright, so, my favorite breakfast place in town is mainly directed for the elder customers. Well, at least I thought.

You see, I went to break my fast this past Saturday with a friend and let's just say we had a "few laughs."

Anywho, one of these giggle breaks was directed at a couple sitting behind us. I'd feel majorly awful if I said it was because it was the oddest lesbian couple I've ever seen---whoops; guess I can start the remorse.

What REALLY got me though was the follicular activity going on with what I believe was the 'man' in the relationship. She seemed to have been debating between a loooong haircut and a typical Bob.

So, decidedly, she went for both---simultaneously.

Fine. I admit: it was pretty obvious where I was doing when I got up to to give her a pass to the salon for Undecided Mulleteers---but what of it.

But there's more.

I made a quick trip to my local DD's for break today to grab a med. iced.

Lo and behold, guess who was working behind the counter---wait, wait, guess who saw me from behind the counter and proceeded to grab the bagel slicer whilst salivating to the thought of delicately slicing my largest organ off my scalp.

Oh yes, it was the latter half of that couple. And she did not look to pleased to see me.

Ok, granted I didn't do anything to ridiculous at breakfast like the salon pass---but rest assure, my cackle-laugh caused a few head jerks and utensil dropping.

Now that I have laser beam eyeball holes on my back I decided to hit the high road and start searching for a new town---or rather state/country to live in.

Also, per usual, I'm going to take the lemons that life just handed me and add some vodka.

KCD

Chapters

Good morning.

I decided today that I'd write a somewhat serious post. I think I have literally written (this kind) once since I've started the blog in October.

Anyway, I figured it would take some time before I divulged much more than the surface stuff. I pretty much use my writing (selfishly more or less) to let my thoughts wander onto the page.

In recent weeks I've turned off the Comments section and even with the occasional emails---I rarely answer those anyway.

Basically it should be known that I am a shadow of my former self. I won't get into the intimate details, but there are plenty.

I started my life over in the past year and with some faulty starts I've begun to appreciate everything more each day.

With all sincerity---I am still a completely closed book. I tend to mask a lot of things and have learned that it takes a lot of time and trust for me to be able to feel as if I can open up.

I've made a lot of mistakes, met the wrong people and hindered my own self worth by not giving myself credit in any area where credit may be due.

But alas, I feel as if these bumps or rather, mountains in the road I've taken (usually less traveled) have shaped me.

Everyone has their own skeletons; life's demons are apparent more than ever from the people I've met along the way.

If it weren't for the support of my family and the friends who have truly understood me as a person beyond her shortcomings---I'd still be clambering for a chance to actually Live.

I take heart in knowing that there are people who will see beyond what they know or what they have heard. Whether you ask me or not (and whether I tell you or not) is variant on the factor of me feeling like it's time. Being burned and stepped upon is something I used to just digest as an every day occurrence.

Life's too short for unhappiness to be prevalent; this I know.

My uncle had given me a card with the "Footprints" poem scripted on it at the beginning of last summer---which I rarely travel without.

He has repeated to me that when I'm ready, I can return it---but I know deep down: I probably never will.

I do believe there was someone there carrying me---even when I didn't realize it.

Now that I do it'll be extremely hard for anyone to ever take that away from me.

I hope for some there's a takeaway and I can be satisfied knowing that even if there isn't; I've made one for myself.

Compos Mentis

KCD

(Continued) Google Me: Pictures

Plastic Surgery Me:

Miss Walla Walla Washington Me:

(Far Away) Old-Time Photo-Op Me:

"Bitch Ate My Sandwich" Me:

Amateur Night Me:

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Me:

Beastiality Me:

2-Dollar Whore/Bride Me:

Ate-Too-Much-Cake-And-Ended-Up-Advertising-For-Low-Income-Obese-Children-Me:

Disclaimer: Could just be the camera angle.

KCD